Commitment, it’s a big step.

Phew, I did it. I actually committed. I didn’t think I was going to be able to after looking, and looking for what I wanted and not being successful in finding it. Here’s the thing, even when I was like this is it, we’re going for it. I will admit I wasn’t in love with it. As soon as I slid my card and finally purchased my sheets, I could picture myself coming back and returning the sheets. Cause I wasn’t in love with them. I had a pink and green image in my head, and these didn’t fit into my plan. I wanted to make a decision, I had gone to at least three different stores. Held numerous amounts of sheets in my hands, some felt right but didn’t look right, and some looked right but didn’t feel right. Well little did I know that the next day I would find a blanket that fit into my dream, and it went perfectly with my sheets. Moral of this story is target doesn’t carry queen sheets in the kids section, and this queen needs queen sheets. Also sometimes you can’t see how something fits so perfectly into your life when it comes into your life but it does. This was a big decision, but I did it.

Woah did you see that 2018? We did it.

I have been dragging my feet so much at writing my end of the year blogpost because so much has happened it’s crazy. The start of 2018 was so rough for me, I battled depression, people giving up on me, me wanting to give up on myself, and so much heartache. But I found people who did support me, and wanted me to succeed. A new set of cheerleaders, and a safe place to call home while I struggled during those early months of 2018. After I graduated college, everything changed, and 2018 became an incredible year for this girl. Let’s look at the top 18 of 2018

1. I learned it’s okay not to be okay
2. Did lots of jumping jacks 
3. Relearned what I love about myself
4. Lost the friends I needed losing, found others on the way
5. San Fransico trip!
6. Graduation 
7. All my favorites having babies 
8. A week in the hospital 
9. A big kid job! 
10. A trip to Disneyland with my bestie
11. A falltober with my family
12. A cutie or two
13. A trip to Vegas 
14. Lots of singing
15. Lots of dancing 
16. A Christmas with santa 
17. Cancer free
18. Went back to the gym

I got pretty spoiled this year. I’ll post more someday. The biggest lesson I learned in 2018 was loving myself again, and it took lots and lots of self care and self love. I think we’re getting somewhere  

Not all That Glitters is Gold

My deepest condolences goes out to Kate Spade's family as they go through this trying time. My family has stood in their place before, an it is not easy. Suicide is hard on everyone, not just the person who takes their life. Those left behind are heartbroken searching for answers, wondering what they could have done to make the outcome different, hoping that their loved one is truly in a better place and that they have found the peace they were looking for. Kate Spade had every worldly thing at her fingertips, and a family. What others saw was the glitter, they didn't see there was no gold underneath. 

I think that one thing that can always be taught from a time like this is prevention. Mental illness is a real epidemic, and it hurts too many people. From my own personal experience suicidal thoughts sneak their way in, and they slowly take their grasp on you. One moment I was just drifting, I had developed depression, and then I had a thought. I thought for a second it would be easy to take away all of my pain, and be free from everything. I would push the thought away, and then it would just keep coming back. Over and over again until I had a plan. At that point I knew that I needed help, because this truly wasn't what I wanted, and I was having a hard time fighting it. I made promises to my family that I wouldn't do anything, and I sought out people who wanted to listen and were there for me. (Shout out to our therapy sessions in my book arts class, you guys helped saved me) It soon became clear that I needed to fight for my life, because if I didn't I wasn't going to be the only one losing. So I did, I ran away to Utah as often as I could. I found the support that I needed, others assumed I was being selfish, and just "doing me". But what people didn't see or understand was that I was fighting to keep myself a live. Which I was ashamed for, I was also ashamed that I had depression, and a symptom of depression is feeling like you are a burden to others. Which that soon started to take over too. I was so ashamed that I just wanted to pretend it wasn't there, but that isn't an option. I eventually sought medical help, and I am still fighting. Things have been easier since I have found the tools to be successful. But others are't successful, so to all my friends whoever feel like giving up message me anytime of the day, or call the suicide hotline the number is 1-800-273-8255 .  Don't ever think of yourself as a burden, that you are too far gone, and don't ever be ashamed. Don't take yourself from this earth too soon, life is beautiful go find that beauty. Fight for it, fight for your life. 

You’ve been betrayed

After being diagnosed with cancer I chose to go back to school and finish my last semester. I had to go, that’s what I told my family, my close friends, my bishop, and what I told myself over and over again. I had to go, and I had to finish. I had my work cut out for me, and fought so hard. The first two weeks I failed miserably, I went 4 days without sleeping, and found myself sitting my bishops office crying my eyes out, because I was failing. My body was betraying me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had plans, and my body had others. As I sat there crying to my bishop he said to me “I think you should go home, and if you were my daughter you wouldn’t have even come back” I took that advice and decided that no going home wasn’t an option, and so I decided for the next 11 weeks I wasn’t going to listen to the body that had betrayed me, and I was going to push myself harder then ever. I stopped doing things I needed to because “it wasn’t in the schedule” and I slowly ran my body that had betrayed me straight into the ground, telling myself that sleep could wait until after graduation, mental health could wait until after graduation, and relaxing could wait until after graduation. Promising my doctors (who totally disagreed with this) and myself that after I walked across that stage and got out of the terribly stressful life I had created for myself that then I could rest.  When in reality I had another plan for after graduation, I would spend one week with family, and then one week preparing to go to California and then working 40+ hours a week for 22 weeks. I was lying to my body and this promise of relaxation wasn’t ever on the schedule. So my body decided to plan something else, on Monday April 23 I developed a runny nose. Just a simple runny nose, and then a head ache. I went to bed early and around 3 am after having a vasovagal I lost function of my hands for about 4 hours. Almost immediately after losing function of my hands I went to the ER and spent a  good amount of time being observed and tested. By 10 am I was admitted to the hospital, and spent the next week being tested for every type of infection and virus in the world. I blew out two viens with my ivs, and had blood taken from every vien on both my hands, and almost every spot on my left arm. I developed edema in the back of my head, and still had no answers. After meeting with a doctor, a neurologist, and an infectious disease doctor it was unsure what was happening. One said it was an infection, another said a nasty virus. Finally on the last day in the hospital the infectious disease doctor said I had cold, and this was my bodies way of fighting. Here I am 2 weeks later, and I still have that cold and California isn’t going to happen. It seems that the body that I had betrayed has decided that it’s its turn to do the same. I am being forced to rest and recover and as much as I hate this and keep trying to fight it and tell myself it’s not on the schedule, it sort of has to be on the schedule. It breaks my heart that I can’t do what I want to be doing right now, and that my plans have changed. But I have to recover, and I have denied my body this for far too long.

My 2017

My year was interesting one, and  things happened that I never saw coming. Good and bad. Here’s a list of 17 good and bad things to some up 2017.

1. I started my last year of my bachelors 
2. I got my heart broken
3. I spent lots of time on the dance floor 
4. I visited a new state
5. I became an auntie again
6. I started doing things that scared me
7. I made some amazing new friends, and walked away from others. (Side note: I don’t need people to make me feel terrible or sad.) 
8. I moved apartments 
9. I played lots of cards
10. I went to my first temple dedication 
11. I got better as an artist 
12. I had my first white Christmas 
13. I got glasses 
14. I had two surgeries 
15. I spent why too much time listening to music 
16. I learned to seek after moments that were complete bliss
17. I was diagnosed with cancer 

They are in no particular order. But that’s what I remember the most from this year. 

You have cancer

I was so excited to get my stitches out last Thursday. I woke up that morning to a call from my nurse, she said they wanted me to come in early because the doctor wanted to see me. My appointment to have my stitches removed was with the P.A, and I didn't mind coming in early. I was seriously like a little kid, I was getting my stitches out and then we were going to lunch to celebrate. I did my hair and make up, and got all cute. I was dancing around the apartment letting everyone know I was getting my stitches out.
Sam and Rayna accompanied me to my appointment and I sat in the waiting room, as soon as they said my name I hopped out of my chair. When I say it was like Christmas, I really felt like it was Christmas. I was so ready to move forward with my life, and leave the stitches behind me. I sat down and the nurse started asking me questions, and all I could say was that I was so excited to get my stitches out. She said well the doctor wants to talk to you about the pathology report, and then we could talk about the stitches. The doctor came in, and looked at me, I could smell his lunch on him. All I was thinking was he just ate lunch, and I am getting my stitches out and then were getting lunch. He turned and looked at me and said "Well thyroid cancer was a concern, and that's what you have, so were going to do surgery tomorrow and remove the rest of your thyroid." I was like wait, you need to back up. No one has been allowed to say the C-word (being cancer), and he had just said it. I have cancer, in my body right now there is cancer. He explained that I have a high survival rate, and he wants to be aggressive and take care of the cancer before it spreads. He then left and Sam was in charge of calling Sam, and Rayna texted Jessie saying she should call as soon as she gets off work. Jessie called immediately and I answered the phone, all I said was Hey Jess, and then I handed Sam the phone. I tried to tell her, but I couldn't I had cancer. I spent the next hour on the phone, and informing my roommates why I still had my stitches in. Jessie said she was coming, and so did my sister and parents. I felt so lucky to have my team with me. The weekend passed in a blur, but almost all of my favorite people were there supporting me. I am so grateful for all the help I have received. The prayers, and happy thoughts. I have a long road to recovery, and my doctor is super optimistic. I am going to keep moving forward, and that is what is most important. A time line The night of the first surgery, the day I got the tube out the first time, the day I was supposed to get my stitches out, and the day of my second surgery.

Jordan's sharing her feelings

I tried to keep things under wrapped this past month and half until I had answers, those who asked I told. But some stuff has been happening, and I am ready to share that I have no bad news, and semi good news. I am not going to hold much back, so if you don't want to read I won't be offended.
It all started on September 29, I found two lumps. One on each of my boobs, I wasn't too freaked out. However the more I talked to people the more freaked out I got, and I had some concerns that I hadn't had before.

I called the women's clinic here in Rexburg and set up an appointment. I met with a midwife on October 17, and she did a head to toe exam. I got to wear this lovely white paper towel, and it was what I thought was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I was pretty positive that I was going to walk in there and she was going to say something like "Oh what your feeling is nothing.", but she didn't say that. She said that they were definetly there, and due to my family history it was a major concern for her. She also wanted to check my thyroid because there was a nodule my doctor in Oregon found a few years ago. I was pretty freaked out before the appointment, I tried to prepare myself the best I could for what would happen during the appointment, but it wasn't enough. I make things awkward right? So I was talking with the nurse while she was taking my vitals, and I was like do you know if they are going to do an exam? and she was like the midwife likes to see your face before she sees anything else. Funny right? Well I had some lovely support for that appointment, Sam and Lexi came and waited patiently for me in the lobby, while I sent texts of everything that happened.

From that appointment I walked away with ultrasound orders, and made a phone call to my sister Alex and told her she had to tell mom. She offered to come to Rexburg and be with me, but I knew it wasn't realistic. She was trying to do what she could to help, but she has three kids and husband that needed her just a little bit more than I did. But needless to say I was scared out of my mind, and the next few days moved in a haze. I was going to class, but I wasn't present. I would try to explain to my teachers what was going on, but I couldn't without crying. I had people around me trying to distract me, and trying to help me look forward with my head up. Including AeLa, Ray Ray, and Lexi! Who drove into the middle of nowhere at 1 am just to watch a meteor shower. I cried a lot that first week, and I know I already said this but I was scared out of my mind. Here I was 12 hours away from my family, and I had no idea what I was doing.

 Luckily I have a cousin who is just a little over three and half hours way and she offered to come be with me for the ultrasound. I knew I needed someone, and my roommates were great support, but I wanted some family. Jessie was so sweet to give up her whole weekend to come spend sometime in Rexburg, and it helped me relax so much more. I don't think words can ever express how much it meant to me to have her here.

Ultrasound day came on Monday, I had every intention to go to class that day, but I was too stressed. I just wanted answers, and I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. They did the ultrasound, it was interesting to say the least. I had done an ultrasound on my thyroid before. The chest ultrasound was a new thing for me. Jessie was there, and made sure to make me laugh every time I got a little scared, or sad. The radiologist came and spoke to me instantly after the tech had finished, to talk about the lumps in my boobs. He said that they weren't a concern right now, but gave me somethings that I need to look for, and if any of that stuff starts to happen I need to come in as soon as I can. He then said the results for my thyroid would come from the midwife. Two days later the nurse called and told me that there was a rather large nodule on my thyroid, and they want it drained almost immediately. 

The next week I went in, and had a fine needle aspiration done on my thyroid. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done. 6 needles pulled the fluid out of the nodule that sat right on the center of my thyroid. Sam came with me, and sat there. It was seriously the worst, and here I am a week later, and I am still sore. I just got the results back from the nurse. The fluid that was in the nodule came back benign, but the radiologist is concerned that I will develop hashimoto's disease. They want me to see and ENT specialist, and get routine check ups of my thyroid.

I have learned a lot of from this past month and a half. First of all it is interesting that when you really start struggling and you have a hard time who steps up to the plate, and who totally walks out of your life. I am so grateful for all the blessings, prayers, and happy thoughts that have been sent my way. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but I am scared for what the future holds. Especially since most the answers I got are just to wait until something bad happens. If this has taught me anything, it has taught that there are people out there who will move mountains for me. That was something that is so hard for me to believe. It also taught me that I don't want to wait. I want to find preventive care, and I want so much more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to experience moments that take my breathe away. I have had a few of those moments, and I couldn't be more grateful for those perfect days. So yes I am still scared for what the future holds, but I am ready to move forward! I am strong, and I am going to be okay! Peace!