I have found answers in my music. Tonight's announcement is something that I never ever thought would happen. A song by Celtic Women, entitled Caledonia I feel like expressed my feelings all too well. Before we get into the break down, let me announce what it is so everyone can stop guessing. I have chosen to return to Idaho in September for my off track, and take classes.
Where I am coming from:
"I don't know if you can see
The changes that have come over me"
Something has changed in my heart, and I am so eager to be in Rexburg, and to keep working on my education. So eager that this next year I will spend September through July going to school. It is so hard to be in Rexburg, but something has changed in my heart, and I have chosen to stay.
To my nieces and nephews:
"Let me tell you that I love you
That I think about you all the time"
This was not an easy choice, and it still breaks my heart that I am gonna miss so much more than I already have. I am not staying in Idaho because I love you less. I love you all so much and I constantly have you on my mind. I took each of you into consideration as I made my choice.
My Fight:
"Now I have moved and I've kept on moving
Proved the points that I needed proving"
I moved to Rexburg in the beginning of April, and it was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yes I have done it before, but this time it was different. I felt so alone, and so lost knowing that I left behind people who were struggling and needed me. I drove the whole way, and that was something that scared me. However as soon as I reached my exit I knew that I had beaten one of my own battles. If I am being honest here, I cried the first two weeks at least every day. The moment I stepped into my new room I called someone very close to me, and said "I want to go home." Much like in the past I had so many reasons to stay in Oregon. My mom even encouraged me to stay home for spring. Which I think she only did because she wanted to hear me say outloud that I needed to go. Thank you mom. I proved I can make it, so what is a little more time? I have moved, and it seems that I will keep on moving.
My Friends:
"Lost the friends that I needed losing
Found others on the way"
No one has ever been replaced in my life, nor will they. Everyone holds a special part in my heart. Not to sound too dramatic but one life long lesson I have learned for the past five years, is how to mourn someone that is still living. A revolving door of people coming in and out of my life, and for the longest time I was angry, and hurt. However those people that chose their different paths had every right to, and just like they do so do I. I have found other people that have helped me grow in ways I didn't even know I could. I love everyone that has come through that door, whether they have left or not. You have changed me for the better. I need to state though that I am not going to school in the fall for anyone else but myself.
"And I know what I will do tomorrow
When hands have shaken, the kisses float
Then I will disappear"
It looks like I will be disappearing from Oregon once again. I had never thought that I would have come to this choice, and when the thought popped in my head at the beginning of the semester I was extremely surprised. I called my parents, and told them what I was feeling prompted to do. They counseled me to just think about it, and see what happens. That when the Lord has a will, he will provide a way. At that point I had no idea how anything was gonna work. I didn't even think it would be possible. This past week I got an override for the fall, and signed up for classes. In the past my grad plan wasn't quite working out, and now that I am attending in the fall, everything fell into place almost. It's still about 90% chance that it is gonna happen. There is a 10% chance it won't happen. If it doesn't I accept that, but if it does I accept that too.
I am just full of surprises.
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