Why does it hurt so much to love?

I have chosen to go back to school in the fall, four months sooner then intended. Today as I held a sweet little three year old in my hands, I wondered if it was going to be worth it. 

Tears were streaming down my face as I held Henslee in my arms, and she looked into my eyes. 

Henslee: "You have tears."

Me: "I know I am crying"

Henslee: "You are sad?"

Me: "I am sad."

Henslee: "Because you don't want me?"

Me: "Sweet little girl, it is far from that."

Henslee: "I don't want you to go back to Idaho."

Me: "I don't want to go back."

After hugging her a little too tight, I wondered why it hurts so much to love. If it's such a good thing to love people, why does it make us sad? 

Either my intentions aren’t clear enough, or you are clueless; An open letter to the boy who doesn’t know I am asking him on a date.

To whom it may concern,

    I need to take some credited for this failed attempt at asking you on a date. I am in uncharted waters you see, and this is all so new to me. I thought by now you would have taken a hint, and seen that I have feelings for you. However you are either trying to keep me in the friend zone, or you are pretty clueless. Which I guess would make sense, because I did ask you on a date, and you had no idea. Which is starting to really annoy me, because we’ve been doing the same thing for two months, and I am getting a little impatient with you, and with myself. 

    Why haven’t I told you what I am feeling? I feel like that is a pretty good question, and probably should be answered. This is what is going through my head right now, I would rather keep doing what we are doing, then you find out I have feelings for you and totally change our whole dynamic. It could change our dynamic in a good way, that is true. But I can’t chance you not feeling what I am feeling. Like I said this is uncharted water for me. Not saying liking a boy is new to me, I have liked plenty of boys. However we didn’t quite get to where you and I are.

 I guess I have a question for you, where are we? Sometimes you are flirty, and we have fun when we're together. Other times you say things that make me feel like a bro, which is kind of frustrating. You say you are good listener, and you have proven this plenty of times. I am getting impatient, and want to know if you are listening now. 

Forever and Always

    The Girl with a bow in her hair. 

A formal apology to The Beatles, The Jonas Brothers, Maroon 5, JackJohnson, and Dashboard Confessionals.

I need to take a moment to formally apologize to these musicians. Not that it matters, cause you will never see this. However I am sorry that at one point in my life I said I Hated you, and your music. Which is not very nice, or supportive. From my post to the beat of my heart, it's pretty clear I have a love for music.

In the past couple of years I have come to defend music, whether it's music I hate or music I love. I don't think you could say any type of music is the worst. If someone is doing what they love, and they love what they are making why should we criticize? I understand that we all have a right to our own opinion. But what if we created something for the world, and someone who is a nobody and says oh that is awful, I hate that. It would kind of hurt a little bit. 

You don't have to listen to every song ever made, I am not going to go buy a Jack Johnson cd, or listen to The Beatles. But maybe bite your tongue when someone is like I love this song, and you want to say oh I hate this song. 

Or you can totally disagree and keep saying you hate certain songs. I guess I am just asking for the respect I know I would want. Just a food for thought.

  And I mean this song plays quite frequently, so dashboard isn't horrible. 

I am sorry, are you okay?

Each week I try to work on something different, and after recent events I decided I should work on asking people if they are okay, before laughing when they get hurt. I have a tendency to laugh when people fall, or hit things. I am not sure why, I care about people very much. However I have a very simple sense of humor, and laugh. Well after deciding this is what I wanted to work on this week, I was going over to my friends house and as I was walking up their steps I fell. Literally this happened within the hour of me deciding this is what I wanted to work on. Of course I laughed at myself, it was hilarious. My legs are covered in bruises, and scrapes because I am so accident prone. I mean come on, everyone gets a good laugh out of when I fell doing the cotton eye joe, don't remember? Here you go:

In case we are put in a situation where you get hurt, and I can't get the words out because I am laughing so hard: "I am sorry, are you okay?"  

Yes I am saying this in advance because I already was put that situation where I was laughing so hard I couldn't get the words out. It's a work in progress. 

"But I'm steady thinking, my way is clear"

I have found answers in my music. Tonight's announcement is something that I never ever thought would happen. A song by Celtic Women, entitled Caledonia I feel like expressed my feelings all too well. Before we get into the break down, let me announce what it is so everyone can stop guessing. I have chosen to return to Idaho in September for my off track, and take classes.

Where I am coming from:

"I don't know if you can see

The changes that have come over me"

Something has changed in my heart, and I am so eager to be in Rexburg, and to keep working on my education. So eager that this next year I will spend September through July going to school. It is so hard to be in Rexburg, but something has changed in my heart, and I have chosen to stay.

To my nieces and nephews:

"Let me tell you that I love you

That I think about you all the time"

This was not an easy choice, and it still breaks my heart that I am gonna miss so much more than I already have. I am not staying in Idaho because I love you less. I love you all so much and I constantly have you on my mind. I took each of you into consideration as I made my choice.

My Fight:

"Now I have moved and I've kept on moving

Proved the points that I needed proving"

I moved to Rexburg in the beginning of April, and it was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yes I have done it before, but this time it was different. I felt so alone, and so lost knowing that I left behind people who were struggling and needed me. I drove the whole way, and that was something that scared me. However as soon as I reached my exit I knew that I had beaten one of my own battles. If I am being honest here, I cried the first two weeks at least every day. The moment I stepped into my new room I called someone very close to me, and said "I want to go home." Much like in the past I had so many reasons to stay in Oregon. My mom even encouraged me to stay home for spring. Which I think she only did because she wanted to hear me say outloud that I needed to go. Thank you mom. I proved I can make it, so what is a little more time? I have moved, and it seems that I will keep on moving.

My Friends:

"Lost the friends that I needed losing

Found others on the way"

No one has ever been replaced in my life, nor will they. Everyone holds a special part in my heart. Not to sound too dramatic but one life long lesson I have learned for the past five years, is how to mourn someone that is still living. A revolving door of people coming in and out of my life, and for the longest time I was angry, and hurt. However those people that chose their different paths had every right to, and just like they do so do I. I have found other people that have helped me grow in ways I didn't even know I could. I love everyone that has come through that door, whether they have left or not. You have changed me for the better. I need to state though that I am not going to school in the fall for anyone else but myself. 

"And I know what I will do tomorrow

When hands have shaken, the kisses float

Then I will disappear"

It looks like I will be disappearing from Oregon once again. I had never thought that I would have come to this choice, and when the thought popped in my head at the beginning of the semester I was extremely surprised. I called my parents, and told them what I was feeling prompted to do. They counseled me to just think about it, and see what happens. That when the Lord has a will, he will provide a way. At that point I had no idea how anything was gonna work. I didn't even think it would be possible. This past week I got an override for the fall, and signed up for classes. In the past my grad plan wasn't quite working out, and now that I am attending in the fall, everything fell into place almost. It's still about 90% chance that it is gonna happen. There is a 10% chance it won't happen. If it doesn't I accept that, but if it does I accept that too. 

I am just full of surprises.

I don't want to say I am having a good day.

The last time I said I was having a good day, my world sort of semi fell apart. Without going into details lets just say I was on a roller coaster, thought I was off but turns out the roller coaster kept going. So I am not saying I am having a good day. But I am pretty dang happy, and have learned a valuable lesson. I hope I never have to get off this roller coaster. Sure there are times where I am scared or when I am sad. Those sad or scary parts brought me to people who changed my life. But now there are times when I am happy, and laugh a lot. Those parts of the roller coaster seem to last longer then the scary ones. Another thing I've learned? It is okay for me to be happy. That doesn't mean I don't miss my family or that I am doing something wrong. For so long I wanted to make sure everyone else was happy, or everyone else was being taken care of. There will always be a reason for me to be called home. However there will also be a reason for me to stay here. Here is not Rexburg or any certain place. Here is where my heart wants me to be, and where I am happy. 

The Art of Maintaining a Friendship: A Work in Progress

I am sure you are all aware there are 24 hours in a day. If you take out the eight hours you sleep, that is 16. If you take out the average 8 hours for school/homework/studying or perhaps work that is 8 hours a day. Take out an additional two hours for a cumulative of personal hygiene whether it is going to the restroom, getting ready for your day, or ending your day. That is 6 hours. 6 hours to take care of everything else. One thing that fills probably 5 out of that 6 hours for me is trying to maintain my relationships with friends and family. I try to talk to my nieces and nephews every day, and I am in constant communication with my family. You gotta love Facebook group messages. But it's hard work, and I wanted to take this moment to apologize for a couple things.

I am sorry I don't call as often as I do. 

I am sorry if I repeat myself at times I get so excited sometimes about the things that happen that I want to make sure you get to hear about. 

I am sorry for the short conversations squeezed in between classes. 

I am sorry sometimes I go days between are conversations and then drop on emotional bomb on you. 

I am sorry for the late night texts, then I usually fall asleep in the middle of our conversation.  

I just want you all to know I am trying, life is crazy, and I want to spend hours talking to you. Someday soon we will. 

You are important to me.
Being busy isn't an excuse, for not making time for the people you care about. I know this, and I am working on bettering myself. I am not perfect, and I just want to be there for my amazing support system like they are there for me. It is definitely a work and progress.