Not all That Glitters is Gold

My deepest condolences goes out to Kate Spade's family as they go through this trying time. My family has stood in their place before, an it is not easy. Suicide is hard on everyone, not just the person who takes their life. Those left behind are heartbroken searching for answers, wondering what they could have done to make the outcome different, hoping that their loved one is truly in a better place and that they have found the peace they were looking for. Kate Spade had every worldly thing at her fingertips, and a family. What others saw was the glitter, they didn't see there was no gold underneath. 

I think that one thing that can always be taught from a time like this is prevention. Mental illness is a real epidemic, and it hurts too many people. From my own personal experience suicidal thoughts sneak their way in, and they slowly take their grasp on you. One moment I was just drifting, I had developed depression, and then I had a thought. I thought for a second it would be easy to take away all of my pain, and be free from everything. I would push the thought away, and then it would just keep coming back. Over and over again until I had a plan. At that point I knew that I needed help, because this truly wasn't what I wanted, and I was having a hard time fighting it. I made promises to my family that I wouldn't do anything, and I sought out people who wanted to listen and were there for me. (Shout out to our therapy sessions in my book arts class, you guys helped saved me) It soon became clear that I needed to fight for my life, because if I didn't I wasn't going to be the only one losing. So I did, I ran away to Utah as often as I could. I found the support that I needed, others assumed I was being selfish, and just "doing me". But what people didn't see or understand was that I was fighting to keep myself a live. Which I was ashamed for, I was also ashamed that I had depression, and a symptom of depression is feeling like you are a burden to others. Which that soon started to take over too. I was so ashamed that I just wanted to pretend it wasn't there, but that isn't an option. I eventually sought medical help, and I am still fighting. Things have been easier since I have found the tools to be successful. But others are't successful, so to all my friends whoever feel like giving up message me anytime of the day, or call the suicide hotline the number is 1-800-273-8255 .  Don't ever think of yourself as a burden, that you are too far gone, and don't ever be ashamed. Don't take yourself from this earth too soon, life is beautiful go find that beauty. Fight for it, fight for your life. 

You’ve been betrayed

After being diagnosed with cancer I chose to go back to school and finish my last semester. I had to go, that’s what I told my family, my close friends, my bishop, and what I told myself over and over again. I had to go, and I had to finish. I had my work cut out for me, and fought so hard. The first two weeks I failed miserably, I went 4 days without sleeping, and found myself sitting my bishops office crying my eyes out, because I was failing. My body was betraying me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had plans, and my body had others. As I sat there crying to my bishop he said to me “I think you should go home, and if you were my daughter you wouldn’t have even come back” I took that advice and decided that no going home wasn’t an option, and so I decided for the next 11 weeks I wasn’t going to listen to the body that had betrayed me, and I was going to push myself harder then ever. I stopped doing things I needed to because “it wasn’t in the schedule” and I slowly ran my body that had betrayed me straight into the ground, telling myself that sleep could wait until after graduation, mental health could wait until after graduation, and relaxing could wait until after graduation. Promising my doctors (who totally disagreed with this) and myself that after I walked across that stage and got out of the terribly stressful life I had created for myself that then I could rest.  When in reality I had another plan for after graduation, I would spend one week with family, and then one week preparing to go to California and then working 40+ hours a week for 22 weeks. I was lying to my body and this promise of relaxation wasn’t ever on the schedule. So my body decided to plan something else, on Monday April 23 I developed a runny nose. Just a simple runny nose, and then a head ache. I went to bed early and around 3 am after having a vasovagal I lost function of my hands for about 4 hours. Almost immediately after losing function of my hands I went to the ER and spent a  good amount of time being observed and tested. By 10 am I was admitted to the hospital, and spent the next week being tested for every type of infection and virus in the world. I blew out two viens with my ivs, and had blood taken from every vien on both my hands, and almost every spot on my left arm. I developed edema in the back of my head, and still had no answers. After meeting with a doctor, a neurologist, and an infectious disease doctor it was unsure what was happening. One said it was an infection, another said a nasty virus. Finally on the last day in the hospital the infectious disease doctor said I had cold, and this was my bodies way of fighting. Here I am 2 weeks later, and I still have that cold and California isn’t going to happen. It seems that the body that I had betrayed has decided that it’s its turn to do the same. I am being forced to rest and recover and as much as I hate this and keep trying to fight it and tell myself it’s not on the schedule, it sort of has to be on the schedule. It breaks my heart that I can’t do what I want to be doing right now, and that my plans have changed. But I have to recover, and I have denied my body this for far too long.

My 2017

My year was interesting one, and  things happened that I never saw coming. Good and bad. Here’s a list of 17 good and bad things to some up 2017.

1. I started my last year of my bachelors 
2. I got my heart broken
3. I spent lots of time on the dance floor 
4. I visited a new state
5. I became an auntie again
6. I started doing things that scared me
7. I made some amazing new friends, and walked away from others. (Side note: I don’t need people to make me feel terrible or sad.) 
8. I moved apartments 
9. I played lots of cards
10. I went to my first temple dedication 
11. I got better as an artist 
12. I had my first white Christmas 
13. I got glasses 
14. I had two surgeries 
15. I spent why too much time listening to music 
16. I learned to seek after moments that were complete bliss
17. I was diagnosed with cancer 

They are in no particular order. But that’s what I remember the most from this year.