Commitment, it’s a big step.

Phew, I did it. I actually committed. I didn’t think I was going to be able to after looking, and looking for what I wanted and not being successful in finding it. Here’s the thing, even when I was like this is it, we’re going for it. I will admit I wasn’t in love with it. As soon as I slid my card and finally purchased my sheets, I could picture myself coming back and returning the sheets. Cause I wasn’t in love with them. I had a pink and green image in my head, and these didn’t fit into my plan. I wanted to make a decision, I had gone to at least three different stores. Held numerous amounts of sheets in my hands, some felt right but didn’t look right, and some looked right but didn’t feel right. Well little did I know that the next day I would find a blanket that fit into my dream, and it went perfectly with my sheets. Moral of this story is target doesn’t carry queen sheets in the kids section, and this queen needs queen sheets. Also sometimes you can’t see how something fits so perfectly into your life when it comes into your life but it does. This was a big decision, but I did it.

Woah did you see that 2018? We did it.

I have been dragging my feet so much at writing my end of the year blogpost because so much has happened it’s crazy. The start of 2018 was so rough for me, I battled depression, people giving up on me, me wanting to give up on myself, and so much heartache. But I found people who did support me, and wanted me to succeed. A new set of cheerleaders, and a safe place to call home while I struggled during those early months of 2018. After I graduated college, everything changed, and 2018 became an incredible year for this girl. Let’s look at the top 18 of 2018

1. I learned it’s okay not to be okay
2. Did lots of jumping jacks 
3. Relearned what I love about myself
4. Lost the friends I needed losing, found others on the way
5. San Fransico trip!
6. Graduation 
7. All my favorites having babies 
8. A week in the hospital 
9. A big kid job! 
10. A trip to Disneyland with my bestie
11. A falltober with my family
12. A cutie or two
13. A trip to Vegas 
14. Lots of singing
15. Lots of dancing 
16. A Christmas with santa 
17. Cancer free
18. Went back to the gym

I got pretty spoiled this year. I’ll post more someday. The biggest lesson I learned in 2018 was loving myself again, and it took lots and lots of self care and self love. I think we’re getting somewhere  

Not all That Glitters is Gold

My deepest condolences goes out to Kate Spade's family as they go through this trying time. My family has stood in their place before, an it is not easy. Suicide is hard on everyone, not just the person who takes their life. Those left behind are heartbroken searching for answers, wondering what they could have done to make the outcome different, hoping that their loved one is truly in a better place and that they have found the peace they were looking for. Kate Spade had every worldly thing at her fingertips, and a family. What others saw was the glitter, they didn't see there was no gold underneath. 

I think that one thing that can always be taught from a time like this is prevention. Mental illness is a real epidemic, and it hurts too many people. From my own personal experience suicidal thoughts sneak their way in, and they slowly take their grasp on you. One moment I was just drifting, I had developed depression, and then I had a thought. I thought for a second it would be easy to take away all of my pain, and be free from everything. I would push the thought away, and then it would just keep coming back. Over and over again until I had a plan. At that point I knew that I needed help, because this truly wasn't what I wanted, and I was having a hard time fighting it. I made promises to my family that I wouldn't do anything, and I sought out people who wanted to listen and were there for me. (Shout out to our therapy sessions in my book arts class, you guys helped saved me) It soon became clear that I needed to fight for my life, because if I didn't I wasn't going to be the only one losing. So I did, I ran away to Utah as often as I could. I found the support that I needed, others assumed I was being selfish, and just "doing me". But what people didn't see or understand was that I was fighting to keep myself a live. Which I was ashamed for, I was also ashamed that I had depression, and a symptom of depression is feeling like you are a burden to others. Which that soon started to take over too. I was so ashamed that I just wanted to pretend it wasn't there, but that isn't an option. I eventually sought medical help, and I am still fighting. Things have been easier since I have found the tools to be successful. But others are't successful, so to all my friends whoever feel like giving up message me anytime of the day, or call the suicide hotline the number is 1-800-273-8255 .  Don't ever think of yourself as a burden, that you are too far gone, and don't ever be ashamed. Don't take yourself from this earth too soon, life is beautiful go find that beauty. Fight for it, fight for your life. 

You’ve been betrayed

After being diagnosed with cancer I chose to go back to school and finish my last semester. I had to go, that’s what I told my family, my close friends, my bishop, and what I told myself over and over again. I had to go, and I had to finish. I had my work cut out for me, and fought so hard. The first two weeks I failed miserably, I went 4 days without sleeping, and found myself sitting my bishops office crying my eyes out, because I was failing. My body was betraying me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had plans, and my body had others. As I sat there crying to my bishop he said to me “I think you should go home, and if you were my daughter you wouldn’t have even come back” I took that advice and decided that no going home wasn’t an option, and so I decided for the next 11 weeks I wasn’t going to listen to the body that had betrayed me, and I was going to push myself harder then ever. I stopped doing things I needed to because “it wasn’t in the schedule” and I slowly ran my body that had betrayed me straight into the ground, telling myself that sleep could wait until after graduation, mental health could wait until after graduation, and relaxing could wait until after graduation. Promising my doctors (who totally disagreed with this) and myself that after I walked across that stage and got out of the terribly stressful life I had created for myself that then I could rest.  When in reality I had another plan for after graduation, I would spend one week with family, and then one week preparing to go to California and then working 40+ hours a week for 22 weeks. I was lying to my body and this promise of relaxation wasn’t ever on the schedule. So my body decided to plan something else, on Monday April 23 I developed a runny nose. Just a simple runny nose, and then a head ache. I went to bed early and around 3 am after having a vasovagal I lost function of my hands for about 4 hours. Almost immediately after losing function of my hands I went to the ER and spent a  good amount of time being observed and tested. By 10 am I was admitted to the hospital, and spent the next week being tested for every type of infection and virus in the world. I blew out two viens with my ivs, and had blood taken from every vien on both my hands, and almost every spot on my left arm. I developed edema in the back of my head, and still had no answers. After meeting with a doctor, a neurologist, and an infectious disease doctor it was unsure what was happening. One said it was an infection, another said a nasty virus. Finally on the last day in the hospital the infectious disease doctor said I had cold, and this was my bodies way of fighting. Here I am 2 weeks later, and I still have that cold and California isn’t going to happen. It seems that the body that I had betrayed has decided that it’s its turn to do the same. I am being forced to rest and recover and as much as I hate this and keep trying to fight it and tell myself it’s not on the schedule, it sort of has to be on the schedule. It breaks my heart that I can’t do what I want to be doing right now, and that my plans have changed. But I have to recover, and I have denied my body this for far too long.

My 2017

My year was interesting one, and  things happened that I never saw coming. Good and bad. Here’s a list of 17 good and bad things to some up 2017.

1. I started my last year of my bachelors 
2. I got my heart broken
3. I spent lots of time on the dance floor 
4. I visited a new state
5. I became an auntie again
6. I started doing things that scared me
7. I made some amazing new friends, and walked away from others. (Side note: I don’t need people to make me feel terrible or sad.) 
8. I moved apartments 
9. I played lots of cards
10. I went to my first temple dedication 
11. I got better as an artist 
12. I had my first white Christmas 
13. I got glasses 
14. I had two surgeries 
15. I spent why too much time listening to music 
16. I learned to seek after moments that were complete bliss
17. I was diagnosed with cancer 

They are in no particular order. But that’s what I remember the most from this year. 

You have cancer

I was so excited to get my stitches out last Thursday. I woke up that morning to a call from my nurse, she said they wanted me to come in early because the doctor wanted to see me. My appointment to have my stitches removed was with the P.A, and I didn't mind coming in early. I was seriously like a little kid, I was getting my stitches out and then we were going to lunch to celebrate. I did my hair and make up, and got all cute. I was dancing around the apartment letting everyone know I was getting my stitches out.
Sam and Rayna accompanied me to my appointment and I sat in the waiting room, as soon as they said my name I hopped out of my chair. When I say it was like Christmas, I really felt like it was Christmas. I was so ready to move forward with my life, and leave the stitches behind me. I sat down and the nurse started asking me questions, and all I could say was that I was so excited to get my stitches out. She said well the doctor wants to talk to you about the pathology report, and then we could talk about the stitches. The doctor came in, and looked at me, I could smell his lunch on him. All I was thinking was he just ate lunch, and I am getting my stitches out and then were getting lunch. He turned and looked at me and said "Well thyroid cancer was a concern, and that's what you have, so were going to do surgery tomorrow and remove the rest of your thyroid." I was like wait, you need to back up. No one has been allowed to say the C-word (being cancer), and he had just said it. I have cancer, in my body right now there is cancer. He explained that I have a high survival rate, and he wants to be aggressive and take care of the cancer before it spreads. He then left and Sam was in charge of calling Sam, and Rayna texted Jessie saying she should call as soon as she gets off work. Jessie called immediately and I answered the phone, all I said was Hey Jess, and then I handed Sam the phone. I tried to tell her, but I couldn't I had cancer. I spent the next hour on the phone, and informing my roommates why I still had my stitches in. Jessie said she was coming, and so did my sister and parents. I felt so lucky to have my team with me. The weekend passed in a blur, but almost all of my favorite people were there supporting me. I am so grateful for all the help I have received. The prayers, and happy thoughts. I have a long road to recovery, and my doctor is super optimistic. I am going to keep moving forward, and that is what is most important. A time line The night of the first surgery, the day I got the tube out the first time, the day I was supposed to get my stitches out, and the day of my second surgery.

Jordan's sharing her feelings

I tried to keep things under wrapped this past month and half until I had answers, those who asked I told. But some stuff has been happening, and I am ready to share that I have no bad news, and semi good news. I am not going to hold much back, so if you don't want to read I won't be offended.
It all started on September 29, I found two lumps. One on each of my boobs, I wasn't too freaked out. However the more I talked to people the more freaked out I got, and I had some concerns that I hadn't had before.

I called the women's clinic here in Rexburg and set up an appointment. I met with a midwife on October 17, and she did a head to toe exam. I got to wear this lovely white paper towel, and it was what I thought was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I was pretty positive that I was going to walk in there and she was going to say something like "Oh what your feeling is nothing.", but she didn't say that. She said that they were definetly there, and due to my family history it was a major concern for her. She also wanted to check my thyroid because there was a nodule my doctor in Oregon found a few years ago. I was pretty freaked out before the appointment, I tried to prepare myself the best I could for what would happen during the appointment, but it wasn't enough. I make things awkward right? So I was talking with the nurse while she was taking my vitals, and I was like do you know if they are going to do an exam? and she was like the midwife likes to see your face before she sees anything else. Funny right? Well I had some lovely support for that appointment, Sam and Lexi came and waited patiently for me in the lobby, while I sent texts of everything that happened.

From that appointment I walked away with ultrasound orders, and made a phone call to my sister Alex and told her she had to tell mom. She offered to come to Rexburg and be with me, but I knew it wasn't realistic. She was trying to do what she could to help, but she has three kids and husband that needed her just a little bit more than I did. But needless to say I was scared out of my mind, and the next few days moved in a haze. I was going to class, but I wasn't present. I would try to explain to my teachers what was going on, but I couldn't without crying. I had people around me trying to distract me, and trying to help me look forward with my head up. Including AeLa, Ray Ray, and Lexi! Who drove into the middle of nowhere at 1 am just to watch a meteor shower. I cried a lot that first week, and I know I already said this but I was scared out of my mind. Here I was 12 hours away from my family, and I had no idea what I was doing.

 Luckily I have a cousin who is just a little over three and half hours way and she offered to come be with me for the ultrasound. I knew I needed someone, and my roommates were great support, but I wanted some family. Jessie was so sweet to give up her whole weekend to come spend sometime in Rexburg, and it helped me relax so much more. I don't think words can ever express how much it meant to me to have her here.

Ultrasound day came on Monday, I had every intention to go to class that day, but I was too stressed. I just wanted answers, and I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. They did the ultrasound, it was interesting to say the least. I had done an ultrasound on my thyroid before. The chest ultrasound was a new thing for me. Jessie was there, and made sure to make me laugh every time I got a little scared, or sad. The radiologist came and spoke to me instantly after the tech had finished, to talk about the lumps in my boobs. He said that they weren't a concern right now, but gave me somethings that I need to look for, and if any of that stuff starts to happen I need to come in as soon as I can. He then said the results for my thyroid would come from the midwife. Two days later the nurse called and told me that there was a rather large nodule on my thyroid, and they want it drained almost immediately. 

The next week I went in, and had a fine needle aspiration done on my thyroid. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done. 6 needles pulled the fluid out of the nodule that sat right on the center of my thyroid. Sam came with me, and sat there. It was seriously the worst, and here I am a week later, and I am still sore. I just got the results back from the nurse. The fluid that was in the nodule came back benign, but the radiologist is concerned that I will develop hashimoto's disease. They want me to see and ENT specialist, and get routine check ups of my thyroid.

I have learned a lot of from this past month and a half. First of all it is interesting that when you really start struggling and you have a hard time who steps up to the plate, and who totally walks out of your life. I am so grateful for all the blessings, prayers, and happy thoughts that have been sent my way. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but I am scared for what the future holds. Especially since most the answers I got are just to wait until something bad happens. If this has taught me anything, it has taught that there are people out there who will move mountains for me. That was something that is so hard for me to believe. It also taught me that I don't want to wait. I want to find preventive care, and I want so much more out of life. I want to be happy, and I want to experience moments that take my breathe away. I have had a few of those moments, and I couldn't be more grateful for those perfect days. So yes I am still scared for what the future holds, but I am ready to move forward! I am strong, and I am going to be okay! Peace!

No Social Media update!

Oh my goodness, what a crazy time this has been. I don't even know where to start. First off let me just say this has been hard, but such a great blessing. Even though I miss somethings in my friends and families lives because I don't see what's happening, I feel like I have grown in so many ways. I am no longer viewing my life through the screen. I am enjoying my moments, and I take so much more out of it. It makes me sad when I am out doing things and everyone is so busy trying to get the perfect social media post. Just live your lives.
Were just going to go in order! I am back in Rexburg, officially in my senior year of college. I started my semester by being a new student mentor. At first I wasn't assigned a partner, which was kind of scary. Because I have 56 new students, and they live all over Rexburg. However my friend Mark was willing to step up last minute and be my partner. Which was so nice, because at first he didn't know he was signing up for a whole semester thing, and he has been such a great help with everything! Here is a picture of us, and our group. Were the ones in the polos, which we get to wear every Thursday for the rest of the semester.

 



Next I finally hiked "R" mountain here in Idaho. I didn't have a senior year bucketlist, but if I did that hike would be on it. I went with some of my favorite people here in Rexburg, Rayna and AeLa

Next flew to Arizona for my bestfriends Wedding, and had a wonderful time. I don't how soon I will go back to Arizona. But I did love visiting with Brooke, and her new husband. Which I don't have a lot of pictures of my visit, but heres some cute selfies.

As of lately I've just been trying to keep my head on straight, by finding moments that make me happy with the life I am living, and spending time with the people who love and care about me, and want to support me. 

I am going to be back on social media until after halloween, and then I am gone again. Because I am loving the life I am living right now. And really a lot of the stuff that has happened deserves its own posts each, but that probably won't happen.

Likes for Life

In spring semester I took a Graphic Design class, where we had to develop a public service announcement off of something we see everyday. I chose cell phone addiction, it was something that I had seen plenty of, and a poison that is slowly starting to take over everyone's lives. I mean when was the last time you went out and nobody took their phone out once? It NEVER happens. Don't get me wrong I love that I can communicate with family members from a distance, and that I can learn from other aspiring graphic designers from all over the world. But my life, much like those around me has slowly become something I am not proud of. I would say that I view a large portion of my life through the lens on my phone. I spend more time taking pictures and videos for social media and not enjoying the moment. It shouldn't matter if my picture gets so many likes or if a certain someone sees a snap chat, or status update. I have a lot of things that I want to learn in the next three months, and because of this I am choosing to step away from social media.
Which is going to be hard, and not just because I love to keep in touch with those around me. But there are some major things happening in the next few months. First off September is PCOS awareness month, and I love sharing my stories, and communicating with my cysters. I am also starting my senior year of college, my best friend is getting married, my birthday,  my first holiday on my own, Christmas with my family, and of course I am on this incredible health journey that I want to share with others. Also Instagram is such a great way to network for young artists, it is going to be so hard to pause activity on my recent design Instagram. But in reality it will totally be worth it.
There will be a few exceptions that I will allow myself to sign into Facebook from my computer for. I will also continue to update my blog at least twice a month, mostly so I can track my journey. But starting September 6, I will be a ghost. I am deleting all my social media apps off of my phone, and focusing on me. That is what is really important, my happiness, not others seeing my happiness. I don't want to trade my life for getting likes.

I've lost it, and it started with a year!

I have been quite open about the changes I have been making in my life. In the beginning I had stated that I started making changes because my friend inspired me to be better. What I didn't expect was that same friend to make me feel like I was worthless.
Little by little I did certain things to help me reach my goals. Now I have reached a point where I am ready to share another one of my triumphs. I have lost 50lbs in the past year! It is crazy to me, because I honestly don't feel that much different. In fact if my clothes weren't too big I probably wouldn't think things had changed. But I have noticed a change in my energy levels, and a change in my mood! I didn't like feeling terrible about myself, and I didn't expect myself to get to a point where I did. However I used those feelings to fuel my fire, and I have fallen in love with going to gym. I often find myself missing my workouts when I can't get them in, and craving a visit to the gym. I just want to live like I am living, and I want to take full advantage of this body I have. I can't wait to see where the rest of my journey takes me, and what changes I can make in the next 365 days. Because trust me letting a person help you feel like you're worthless is something I never plan on letting happen again.
Here is a picture of my journey
A Year Later!

A Year Ago:

The pants on the bottom are from a year ago, and the pants on the top are the current ones! I've dropped 4 pant sizes!

P.s Here is what 50lbs looks like 

Thank you, Mr. President

Well I am sure you are all aware that this past weekend was Presidents weekend. I took full advantage of the long weekend, and stepped outside of Idaho and into Utah for a nice mini vacation. It was perfect in every single way, and I couldn't have asked for a better family to welcome me into the 801. I had so much fun that I didn't want to leave, and now am feeling less than motivated.
On thursday I attempted to ride traxs, and thank you Jessie for saving the day.

On Friday I got to see my cousin Jeff perform with his party band No Limits, and that is honestly one of the best things! They put on such a great show, and my aunt BreAnna got to come up for the show, and that was so much fun!

On saturday we went to lush and spent almost two hours there get pampered, and treated like royalty. I also got to play with a bath bomb, and after purchasing one, we decided that we could make our own, and so that's what we did.

On sunday we put our DIY skills to the test, and created our own. Now we just need to see how they work. I am super excited. Here is a link to try it out yourselves. Sunday was also filled with visiting of course. Janille came over and brought me my first ever name cookie, I felt so loved!

Then on Monday I got to finish my weekend with having lunch with my middle school bestfriend. It was so much fun playing catch up, and laughing. It was like no time had passed, when in reality 6 years had passed since we last saw each other, and 10 years since she moved away. It is all good because we decided more visits will need happen. 

Overall it was a very successful weekend away visiting with some of my favorite people! I am grateful for our presidents and not just because I get school off. But because they helped create this place I call home. 

A String of Awkward Moments, welcome to my life.

My life is just one awkward moment after another, and it is something I have gotten used to. Whether it is running into my highschool crush what seems like 50 times in one month, and always saying embarrassing things when I see him, barfing at the mall, falling while I am dancing, falling out of chairs, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the list goes on and on. However this week was just one after the other, and it was too good not to share.
Sunday: Not much to say about this except peppermint
Monday: I had to attempt to do the worm in front of a random apartment and, my fhe group.
Tuesday: I accidently spit on the guy in front of me at devotional, and then had to sit there for an hour while we both know what I did.
Wednesday: I accidently walked into the men's bathroom, screamed and turned around said a little too loudly "that is not the girls bathroom!" while running into a guy. A guy who saw the whole thing, and then said "Don't worry I won't tell anyone."
Thursday: Actually nothing too embarrassing happened.
Friday: I was at the gym and I put my foot on a shelf, which then flipped out and landed on the floor.

Laugh at my life, because I do.

Happy Holidays and Peace 2016

What a crazy year it has been! So many lessons learned, and surprises I never would have seen coming! Seriously! This years end of the year post will be focus on lessons learned! 

 

 

1. Heavenly Father Answers Prayers
   I have learned especially in the past year that Heavenly Father answers all prayers. Even unwanted prayers. I learned that those answers are the best, because you didn't want an answer because you don't want to have to ask for that. But I learned that things are still going to happen regardless of whether you pray about them or not.
   I have also learned in bright huge flashing letters when it comes to Heavenly Father no means NO! Don't think you can change his mind, or prove that he is wrong because news flash you can't! It will take twice as long to get that no stuck in your head, and it will probably be a little bit more painful than needed.
2. I am just as strong willed as ever, and can do hard things:
   I have done things I never thought I would ever do! Like return to Idaho for 11 months, only visiting home for 4 weeks over that whole time period. Or the more you do something that scares you the easier it will become.
3. I am an artist
   Which means that my classes are not traditional classes. I have to spend lots of hours developing my skills, and perfecting what I can do. So while you memorize vocab words I am making something that will be judged, and that's my grade. Don't underestimate an art student, and their workload. I am 99% positive you couldn't handle it. 
4. My heart is huge, and it won't stop letting people in
   The nieces and nephews just keep coming, and my heart stretches more and more. The revolving door of friends coming and going has been in constant motion. Which is fine, as hard as it is to say goodbye there will always be another person to say hello. 
5. Hard work pays off
   This year I have lost a total of 40lbs and I plan to keep working toward my goals for 2017, my health is so important to me. No more sitting on the side lines! Not only is my health getting better, but so is my schooling! I have worked my little butt off this last few semesters, and because of that I am graduating a semester earlier than I planned possibly two! Which is a year earlier than what the school projected I would graduate! 
6. Don't plan your own surprise party
   "Surprise parties are hostile and dark. No good can come from surprise parties." - Mark Sloan
7. Disneyland is sort of the best place ever!
   I went back to Disneyland for the first time in forever, and it was honestly one of the best things I could have ever done. I can't wait to go back. 

 

Thank you, my friend!

A couple of months ago I made a new friend. That is all they are a friend, and they made me want to be better. It started with scripture reading. They talked about their love for the Book of Mormon, and I saw a light in their eyes. I light that I myself had had before but it had dimmed a tiny bit. But their love, made me want to love it again. So I increased my scripture reading, and that light was back. My scripture study increased greatly, and I found a happiness added back to my life. I didn't increase my scripture study for my friend in anyway. I increased it because of them, because they had something I wanted.

Over the past couple of months I've made some changes. My friend showed me that there was more to life, and that I wanted to live more. I was in a hard place when my friend and I met. I felt completely alone, and it felt like the whole world was pushing me to fail. I was put in the game, and I was playing solo. Until my friend walked into my life, and showed me that I wasn't alone. So the changes kept coming, I started doing better in school, and things I was scared to try I tried. My friend helped me step out of my comfort zone, and reminded me what it was like to have fun. Suddenly I wasn't the only person on my team, I had people joining me helping me see that I can win!

This next part is a little hard to talk about, but I am talking about it. I talked about the changes I was making, and one of them was working harder to be healthy. My friend helped remind me that I wanted to be the best version of myself. So I started doing just that, I started to become the best version of myself. Over the past 5 months I have been working harder then ever to reach my goals. I am still on this journey of being healthier, and it is a journey I will always be on. However I have reached a major milestone I felt like, I have lost 35lbs. Which might not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it feels pretty darn good. Now I did not do this for my friend, but because of my friend. Because my friend reminded me I want to be the best version of myself. I wanted to say thank you to my friend who greatly changed my life, because you were a stepping stone in reminding me of what I am fighting for. I am fighting for me, and I am winning, thanks to you.

Are you serious? This is my happy face.

Wednesday night I went to bed laughing, and Thursday morning I woke up laughing. Thursday morning I sat up in bed, and laughed. Let me get something straight I love to laugh, it is probably one of my favorite things to do. I love hearing people laugh, I love laughing with people, and I love making people laugh. I love a good pun, or a terribly cheesy joke about anything. Which is why I wanted to explain something, I can be serious. I can take things seriously, I just choose not to. 

It's like a switch, that I can flip. I can laugh super loud, and then when the time comes I flip the switch and can be perfectly serious. Life is too short to be serious, and that is why I choose to laugh all the time. I want to be happy, I want to look at my day and laugh because the funniest thing ever happened. There is too much sadness in the world, and too much pain. We all have things that pull at us, so why not replace those feelings with a loud laugh that makes you smile from ear to ear. 

I wanted to take this moment also to apologize for this super loud laugh that I have. I am sorry if you find it obnoxious, or annoying. If my laugh annoys you I am sorry, because I am not changing it. Here is a thought if laughing annoys you, maybe you need to change something in your life. I won't ever stop laughing, because my laugh is me.

I want to be happy, and I want the world to see it. 

Work It Girl!

Over the summer I went to a drop in adult hip hop class at Unity School of Dance in Springfield, Oregon. I had the time of my life dancing along side one of my sisters, and one of my cysters. We laughed so hard, and hit the beat. I felt like I looked totally ridicules, but I was having so much fun. So much fun that I came back the next week, and danced my butt off! Sadly though I am back in Rexburg, and I don't have my sister, cyster, or amazing dance instructor Joe. Luckily though, my sister introduced me to this guy who makes these hip hop dance videos, and I watched a few and fell in love. I followed a link to The Fitness Marshall's youtube channel and tonight I did one of his playlists here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbca1ZauCIs&list=PLAPUEAObdbMYrZvv6g1IGp9x2UjrdpmEn
He has SO many videos, of songs that I LOVE! So I made my own playlist that I will share with you guys.
So what! I am not going to the gym or running 5 miles. I am dancing my booty off for and hour or two. I am also having so much fun! So this is what I challenge you to do, find something you love and do it. If you love running then bless your soul and run away, if you love biking, bike. But me? I am gonna be dancing and laughing, and looking groovy.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLKsfw32llbqrJ4eLv1fn9AnCAosperE1h

The 7 weeks I spent in my swimsuit

I knew my summer was going to be shorter then most, and I was prepared for that. But I didn't expect it to go by so darn fast. I knew I wanted one thing from summer, I wanted to spend the majority of it in my swimsuit. I love water, and I got to become bffs with it this summer.  I had so much fun these past 7 weeks visiting with family and friends. It was just what I needed before I head back to Rexburg Monday. Take a look:

Highlights include: baseball, hip

Hop dance class, road trips, camping at Eileen's, cards, castle, picking blackberries, swimming, meteor showers, and of course sizzle pie. Oh and the lots of writing I did. 

There is one thing on my list I didn't get to do, but I don't think the Oregon Coast is going anywhere. I will get you next time. It's a simple fact that the Pacific Northwest is really the best place ever. I have a long road ahead of me but I think I will manage just fine. Idaho, in a couple days I am coming for you. 

My stuggle; My story

I am one of the 5 million women diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome in the United States. 
Some women don't even see it as a bad thing, they think they are fine. 
Some people don't even think they have a struggle.
Which is great for them, but unfortunately that is not my story, 
needless to say the struggle is real. Recently someone asked my how I deal 
with my PCOS, and it occurred to me that I am still figuring that out. I wanted
to share my story once again, to try to help others who might struggle. If you are 
interested in reading my original story please read: 
http://jazzyjarvis.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-pcos-story.html
that goes into more detail about my diagnosis, and how I was dealing with everything back in 2013. 
The first thing I would suggest is find a doctor who is going to listen to you, and who you sort of wish you had tea with once a week because that's how much they care about you.

Second: understand your symptoms. You need to know what the symptoms are, and which ones are manifested in you. After that go back to that doctor that cares so much about your health, and figure out what's going to be the best solution for them. Understand that there won't be an easy fix. But that doesn't mean it's the end of the road. 

Third: take it one day at a time. Understand that some days are going to be better than others, and some days you might just want to cry all day. One of those days every once and awhile are completely fine, as long as once you've finished straighten your crown and ovary up. 

Fourth: Finally understand that it's okay to be scared, but you need to understand that everything is going to be okay. 

Each day I fight this battle, and I feel as though each day I get one step closer to being better. I have an amazing support system that understand that even though I don't look sick, I still hurt. I have started taking control and that's the only way you can beat this. Control your life, find your support, and win. 

Why does it hurt so much to love?

I have chosen to go back to school in the fall, four months sooner then intended. Today as I held a sweet little three year old in my hands, I wondered if it was going to be worth it. 

Tears were streaming down my face as I held Henslee in my arms, and she looked into my eyes. 

Henslee: "You have tears."

Me: "I know I am crying"

Henslee: "You are sad?"

Me: "I am sad."

Henslee: "Because you don't want me?"

Me: "Sweet little girl, it is far from that."

Henslee: "I don't want you to go back to Idaho."

Me: "I don't want to go back."

After hugging her a little too tight, I wondered why it hurts so much to love. If it's such a good thing to love people, why does it make us sad? 

Either my intentions aren’t clear enough, or you are clueless; An open letter to the boy who doesn’t know I am asking him on a date.

To whom it may concern,

    I need to take some credited for this failed attempt at asking you on a date. I am in uncharted waters you see, and this is all so new to me. I thought by now you would have taken a hint, and seen that I have feelings for you. However you are either trying to keep me in the friend zone, or you are pretty clueless. Which I guess would make sense, because I did ask you on a date, and you had no idea. Which is starting to really annoy me, because we’ve been doing the same thing for two months, and I am getting a little impatient with you, and with myself. 

    Why haven’t I told you what I am feeling? I feel like that is a pretty good question, and probably should be answered. This is what is going through my head right now, I would rather keep doing what we are doing, then you find out I have feelings for you and totally change our whole dynamic. It could change our dynamic in a good way, that is true. But I can’t chance you not feeling what I am feeling. Like I said this is uncharted water for me. Not saying liking a boy is new to me, I have liked plenty of boys. However we didn’t quite get to where you and I are.

 I guess I have a question for you, where are we? Sometimes you are flirty, and we have fun when we're together. Other times you say things that make me feel like a bro, which is kind of frustrating. You say you are good listener, and you have proven this plenty of times. I am getting impatient, and want to know if you are listening now. 

Forever and Always

    The Girl with a bow in her hair.